BOOKS CAN’T HUG YOU: true identity

By Andrea Guachalla

For the past few years, I’ve occasionally had sleepless nights. If I have one it’s usually out of anxiety. Granted, I can’t always admit that. A couple of months ago I had one of those nights. 

I was laying in bed facing the wall, trying my best to stop the inner talk and fall asleep. But an uninvited question kept arising in my head. It started with “Who…?” I lightly shook my head, as if that was gonna dismiss the question, and I turned from facing the wall to face the ceiling.

White background.

Perfect for letting your mind drift. 

“Who…?”

“Who am I?”

I could almost read the words written in a fog above my head.

Now… this question didn’t arise out of nothing. It is not my usual practice to dwell on my identity and to think about what it means.

It came from somewhere.

Namely, from the things that gave me my identity before.

It came from leaving what I, once, loved most: Science.

When I started studying at the university I did so with clear goals: I aimed to graduate with honors, get my master degree right after my bachelor, discover the cure for a rare disease, travel the world with my research, become a renowned scientist, have big universities asking me to study there, publish in high impact journals, and win a Nobel prize (ok, I got too ambitious there).

Some of these things I accomplished, some other things I didn’t.

If I can say one thing about the things I accomplish is this: they didn’t bring the happiness and fulfillment I thought they would bring. 

I remember attending my graduation ceremony for my bachelor’s degree years ago, having accomplished “the dream”: graduating with honors after four years of studying hard and having already a bit of a journey in scientific research, and all I could do was stare numbly at the dean while he was giving his speech, and ponder: “Why am I not feeling happy? Why does this feel… empty?”

I thought I would feel fulfilled at some point, maybe I just needed to take on a bigger challenge, accomplish something more difficult. But no… No matter how great the achievement seemed to be, the emptiness was still there. The feeling of wanting more persisted. 

Of course, I would have a rush of adrenaline and some sort of happiness whenever I achieved something but

it was never enough. 

By the very end of my career, when I became a Christian and started studying God’s Word, I began to understand the Preacher’s heart and mind when he wrote:

“I said in my heart, “Come now, I will test you with pleasure; enjoy yourself.” But behold this also was vanity. I said of laughter, “It is mad” and of pleasure “What use is it?” I searched with my heart how to cheer my body with wine – my heart still guiding me with wisdom – and how to lay fold on folly, till I might see what was good for the children of man to do under heaven during the few days of their life. I made great works, I built houses and planted vineyards for myself. Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.”

Ecclesiastes 2: 1-4, 11. English Standard Version.

The richest and wisest of men couldn’t find fulfillment in material things outside of God, and neither could I.

All those years I lived for myself, I was deceived. I believed that I was happy. No time for God, no time for friends, no time for family, no time for anything that wasn’t a book or an interaction that would benefit me in one way or another. 

I was probably the least desirable friend in my classroom.

However, that version of Andrea, the selfish, self-centered, and arrogant one had some friends in college who tried to help her. They would tell me some sort of “love your neighbor” but in their own words, which sounded something like this:

 “Andrea, all those books you read are not gonna hug you.” 

And they were right.

Books can’t hug you.

Success can’t love you.

A diploma can’t support you in difficult times.

Soon after I became a Christian I realized something: 

I had succeeded as a scientist and failed in the most important thing: 

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

Luke 10:27. English Standard Version

All the things I couldn’t explain with science and all those books, I could explain with Scriptures. I could explain where I came from, where I’m going, what my purpose is and how I’m supposed to live. I understood that being loved by God and therefore being enabled to love others is what brings TRUE HAPPINESS and that having LOVE as the main motivation for whatever you’re doing is what gives it TRUE MEANING. 

Because…

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have no love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

1 Corinthians 13:1-3. English Standard Version.

No matter how great the achievement, without love I was a noisy gong; no matter how public the recognition, without love I gained nothing; no matter how much knowledge I had, without love 

I

WAS

NOTHING.

Knowing and loving God, and therefore loving others: That is true happiness and fulfillment.

I found it!

However, we are creatures of habits, and all those years I let science define me, and direct me, gave me a worldly identity: A SCIENTIST.

Every time I was asked who I was I would proudly answer: I AM A SCIENTIST.

Until…

I wasn’t one anymore.

It’s been over a year since I, due to unforeseen circumstances, last entered a laboratory. A year since I had to leave my research, my plans, and all of what that included. A year since I still had most of my dreams and hopes set on being the greatest scientist. And…

I miss it.

I miss doing experiments, I miss planning workshops, I miss reading articles, I miss having discussion sessions, I miss writing projects, I miss dreaming beyond what I could actually do with the resources I had at the time. I miss all of it! Whenever I get to talk about DNA or antibiotic resistance genes, or microbiology, my heart beats faster, and my mind cries a little.

For some months I was absolutely willing to give up my career as a scientist and start doing something else. It seemed like my life was going in the opposite direction of science. It seemed like God was taking science away from my life forever. It seemed that He was taking away what defined me for six years of my life. And it was at that point that I, in the middle of a dark night unable to sleep, wondered:

If I’m not a scientist, who am I?

Who am I?

WHO AM I?

And the truth is…

I’m not a scientist.

I’m not a writer.

I’m not the old Andrea Guachalla.

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

That’s my identity.

“And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.”

Galatians 4:6-7. English Standard Version

I still have plans, enjoy science, discover new things that I like, and work on new projects, but this time, whenever I feel that I’m in danger of taking my eyes off of Christ, I ask myself: 

Are any of these things gonna define my identity?

And the answer is: NOT ANYMORE.

I know who I am.

And it doesn’t have anything to do with my career, or my wealth, how successful or renown.

I know who I am in Christ.

I’m a child of God.