VALENTINE’S FALLEN SOLDIERS: overcoming a failed relationship

By Andrea Guachalla

On Valentine’s Day – where romance and love are celebrated among couples – you typically see all sorts of people walking on the streets that usually fall into three categories: Singles, couples, and the ones who are referred to as “fallen soldiers,” a figurative category that refers to those who were damaged in the war field, or better said, the Valentine’s field.

Now, for you to understand the latter group and the reason we are addressing them this week, eight days after Valentine’s Day was celebrated in Bolivia, let me describe how each of those groups goes about this celebration: 

If you’re single during Valentine’s Day it’s almost like any other day, despite probably having to fight some discontentment when everyone else seems to have found “the one”, you can survive. If you are in a relationship or married you most likely joined the pompous celebration as you would any other year. Now, if you’re a fallen soldier you are the one who is going through heartbreak, and though you were expecting to celebrate like everyone else, for some reason or another you’re not.

It could be that you finally gathered the courage to express your feelings and intentions to a person and you waited for Valentine’s Day to do so, only to get a negative response from their side. It could be that closely before Valentine’s Day you and your significant other broke up for one reason or another, or it could be that for some unfortunate event, you broke up the very same day of celebration. In all of these cases, the heartbreak can be overwhelming, and it sadly forces you to join the Club of Valentine’s Fallen Soldiers.

Now, whether your heartbreak is related to this big event or it happened in any other season of the year, there is one thing in common for all: the first days, weeks, or even months that come after can be… challenging to say the least. This time might come with a lot of pondering, reflecting, and painful thoughts that make you wanna be swallowed by a black hole. BUT, as great as it sounds to merge with the universe and disappear instead of having to endure the pain, we know that that won’t happen. We have to face the pain. I had to face the pain as a fallen soldier myself.

So now, as you try to focus on this reading despite the heartbreak if you’re going through it, let me walk you through four tips/lessons that I have learned that I hope will help you ground your peace and joy in God rather than on your circumstances, and will help you focus on Christ.

Keep on reading!

Give yourself time to mourn

When John the Baptist was beheaded by Herod’s command and Jesus was told by the disciples, “…he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself” (Matthew 14:13). He was giving himself time to mourn; “…he went up on the mountain by himself to pray” (Matthew 14:23). 

Jesus being God himself retired to a place by himself to mourn and seek comfort in God immediately after he found out about John’s death. He turned to the only one who can comfort a troubled heart. And so should you.

Give yourself time to grieve and seek God. Grieve for what you lost, grieve for your hurt feelings, grieve for your unfulfilled dreams. You deserve a time to mourn, rewind in your mind, feel angry, feel sad, feel disappointed. Do all of it at the same time if you will, but don’t allow yourself to mourn longer than you need.

Something that prevents yourself from grieving forever is setting a deadline. As weird as that sounds, it is helpful if you prayerfully ask God to give you the wisdom to set a time to mourn and seek His comfort intentionally while you overcome the pain progressively through His grace and love. 

Fill your mind with God!

When you go through a breakup and the heartbreak that it brings it’s very easy to feel discouraged and let your mind take over with it’s negative and overwhelming thoughts. Having to occupy all that time you used to spend with the other person is gonna get your mind flying to places you don’t want it to go, even if you try very hard to control it. 

You will remember the good times, you will remember the bad times, and anything in your surroundings will flood you with memories, even if it’s completely unrelated. You will put yourself in imaginary situations where you change everything you did wrong or situations where you get your deserved vengeance. You will think of yourself as the one to blame, but most often you will think of yourself as the victim. You will make imaginary calls, and will often sit on the couch to re-read messages and remember those times before everything went so wrong as to end up a fallen soldier.

But if you’re honest, most of those thoughts are sinful or, to say the least, not helpful, and you’re gonna have to let them go before they become a habit and replace them with something worth thinking about: God. For that, when you find yourself having thoughts that seem to be destroying you:

PRAY. At all times. Especially when you’re pondering and overthinking. Ask the Lord to help you overcome the thoughts that are hurting you, ask him to help you forgive and grow in the Spirit as you overcome disappointment and hurt (Prov 3:5-9). Our perfect Savior understands your pain and wants to comfort you. (Heb 1:14)

READ. Even if you don’t feel like it! Read the bible, read Christian articles or devotionals, read whatever gets your brain to meditate on God’s word. Knowing God more deeply will comfort you. Read especially in those time gaps in which you’re in danger of letting your mind drift. Your soul will feel the goodness of reading and understanding God’s Word.

LISTEN. Listen to anything that will get your mind to focus and learn about God, meditate on His Word, and lead you to praise Him! (Psalms 40:1-3)! As opposed to praying where you are the one speaking, and reading where you silently go through a book, listening to someone’s voice will force you to focus on the message of the podcast, sermon, lyrics, or whatever you’re listening to. 

Use your struggles to grow

This is probably not the natural reaction for a fallen soldier or anyone who is suffering but: thank the Lord for the opportunity of enduring pain, for God uses EVERYTHING for his purposes, and suffering to sanctify us. We find comfort in the fact that we suffer in the light of a gracious all-knowing God, to whose will we ought to surrender. 

Having been in a relationship where things went wrong – or not as you thought they would – has a lot of things to teach you about yourself, your flaws, good and bad habits, and even sinful patterns (jealousy and resentment for example) that you tend to. For all of that, you can be grateful, because having that knowledge allows you now to come to God in prayer and ask Him to sanctify you, and intentionally recognize and act differently when those flaws and sinful patterns come to light in your daily living.  

Share your feelings/ask for advice

Years ago I came across this passage in the Proverbs, and it changed my life for the better: 

“Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22).

It sounds logical and easy, almost obvious, but is often overlooked. 

I can say for myself (and I’m sure many can relate to this) that many – if not all – the decisions I took that turned me later on in a fallen soldier were done without asking advice AT ALL. I would share some details about my private life with friends and family, I would even read books about marriage and relationships, but throughout all the conflicts and disappointments I rarely asked for any advice. At least not soon enough to save me from some pain.

Now, if you’re a fallen soldier you know that it’s too late to change your decisions, but it is never too late to start asking for advice even as you grieve and heal. God calls us to “…walk with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love…” (Ephesians 4:2). So feel free to share your feelings and struggles with your pastor, discipler if you have one, with a close friend you trust, or with a godly woman or man from church. More often than you think, they will be happy to meet up with you, listen to you, and comfort you.

Bonus tip: Help others out!

A good fallen soldier helps his fellows, and we must acknowledge that focusing on serving others the same way Christ served us is always better than focusing on ourselves and the unhelpful thoughts that come to our minds. So, if you’d like you can share your story and the lessons you learned with us. Do it through a comment below, a message, or an email. We would love to know your struggles, and what brings you comfort, and peace in challenging times like these.

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Related articles:

• Bethany Beal. 2014. Letting Go of the Guy. Girl Defined Ministry.
• Marshall Segal. 2013. It’s Not You, It’s God: Nine Lessons for Breakups. Desiring God.
• Mark Ballenger. 2017. Christian Advice: How to Get Over Someone. ApplyingGod’sWord.