MARRIED OR SINGLE, EQUALLY VALUED IN CHRIST

By Ariel Yang

Consider for a second the identities you ascribe value to. Certain identities are given reasonable and meaningful value, such as those of relation. “Mother”, “son”, “grandpa”, “best friend”, “sister”. These titles of relations are ones we wear proudly, ones that make us walk with our heads held a little higher, ones we introduce ourselves as if they are a part of our name. Then there are the credentials attributed to us by profession and education. These can often mistakenly become our complete identity, ones where if we no longer have that credential we feel lost or incomplete. Whether it’s letters preceding your name, or letters following your name, we accumulate a bit of pride over these titles. In recent years, there has been an amplifying focus on gender and ethnic identities too. Certainly, there is reasonable value for these identities, but I fear we have created idols out of them.

Regrettably, these titles, positions, identities, and credentials – personal, relational, and professional – often become how we determine our value, worth, and even holiness. Essentially, our titles become our gods. We chase the credentials that make us more valuable, we envy the respect of those with titles we don’t have, and abhor certain titles we do. For example, we listen to what the world tells us gives us credibility. People tend to respect someone with the title of “Doctor” over someone without a title. Now, rightly we should consider someone’s credentials when the matter at hand might require it. However, too often we chase the credentials simply to please man and obtain praise rather than to glorify God. There is power in a name, and indeed there is certain value to that which we possess. However, we unwittingly create an idol out of that which God has given us to steward well over the one identity that should take precedence: being a child of God.

This is clear around the world. As we zoom in closer to the Church (the big “C” church), we see we have done this very thing with titles. Do not be mistaken, there is a definite weightiness to certain titles. We can agree that there are vast differences in responsibilities between “pastors” and “laypersons”. James 3:1 says regarding teachers, “…for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.” (James 3:1 ESV). However, one thing remains the same regardless of title: faithfulness and obedience to God and his will.

Similarly, this approach is no different between those who are “married” and those who are “single”. However, we’ve seen an unfair distinction between these two groups. Lamentably, popular evangelical culture has disproportionately applied greater value towards the married than the single/unmarried. People who are married are esteemed as more mature in faith, while those who are unmarried are viewed as lacking in faith. 

As a single, 27-year-old woman who has served in my local church since adolescence, I have been on the receiving end of some of these false attributions. I had also begun to scorn the title “single” and began to idolize “marriage” as the way for me to escape the falsities perpetuated of singleness. The vocabulary used to describe “marriage” and “singleness” made it seem as though I had been missing out on some hidden knowledge of God only accessible through matrimony. Not only that, I felt my credibility in ministry was halted due to my singleness, like I could not begin ministry – or worse, that true ministry didn’t begin until I was married. Please don’t misunderstand me, I LOVE love, and I LOVE the institution of marriage, though I have never experienced it. God created marriage, and I know it is a godly desire to be married, as long as I don’t idolize it. I encourage Godly, biblical marriages. I pray for my married friends. I pray for my single friends desiring marriage. This is because I know marriage, just like singleness, is the means by which God intends to sanctify us. But especially in marriage, people get to experience self-sacrificing, or “dying-to-self” more frequently.

I am perpetually in a state of sanctification, whether single or married, and I intend to pursue Christ fervently as a single woman in preparation for marriage, but especially so if I don’t become married. As the church, we should encourage the not-yet-married to pursue Christ for himself, for the sake of knowing him and making him known. We should encourage marriage, but be clear that our commission isn’t marriage. Marriage is a means for our true commission, which Jesus says to his disciples, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20 ESV). Marriage might be a tool to help us do this. But for some, it isn’t promised. We must be careful not to make marriage our mission, but welcome it and use it to glorify Christ as we fulfill his commission. 

If I had believed what culture said of titles, especially “married” or “single”, I would have stayed on that path of idolizing and pursuing marriage for all the wrong reasons. I have bought into the lie that my worth comes from my title. Whether it was academics or matrimonial, I saw how the world reacted to my credentials and wanted to sell myself by their standards of qualifications. It wasn’t until I plumbed the scriptures to truly see what qualified my ministry. It wasn’t my marital status, it wasn’t my educational degrees, it wasn’t how many books I’d read, and it certainly wasn’t by how many articles I’d written. Jesus qualifies me for ministry. It’s in hearing the gospel by grace, and believing in it through faith, and having that be the prerequisite qualifier for being effective in ministry. The call to singles/the unmarried is no different to those who are married: that we must die to ourselves, be born again, pick up our cross and follow Christ. Nothing changes this call. Our obedience to this call may differ from person to person, but our ultimate submission is to Christ alone.

In the same vein, God doesn’t value any one gift above the other. In fact, it should be said that marriage doesn’t make one holy, neither does singleness. Jesus and his atonement makes us holy. To be married well means to be holy, to be single well means to be holy. And no one can be happily married or single without having first being completely satisfied in Christ. There is no title, no credential, no status change, no ring around my finger that can shake that. All my credentials bow and remove their crowns before the Lord of Lords, and King of Kings. He tells me who I am, and that is the title I will wear shamelessly. 

Indeed, I forsake every credential, credibility, or qualification I have for this message: Jesus’ grace is sufficient. “…If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.” (Philippians 3:4b-7 ESV). It was sufficient for Paul when he wrote those words. It is sufficient for me. It is sufficient for you. It is sufficient for the happily married, the unhappily married, the happily single, the unhappily single, the widowed, the divorced, the estranged, the dating, the engaged, the heartbroken, the falling-in-love – it is sufficient for all. We are not self-sufficient, our circumstances don’t guarantee lasting satisfaction, neither do our short-lived titles. That being said, use whatever titles you have been given as a means to glorify Christ.

If you are married, blessed are you to get to amplify Christ’s name through your marriage. How beautiful it is to be given that gift and partnership. May your goal be to sharpen your spouse and to hear God say to both of you, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” If you are single, blessed are you to be solely devoted to Christ. May your goal be to fervently pursue him for him, trusting that he has given us all we need to do that. Whether married or single, remember this: we need each other. The church needs both, and in every church we must find both. The married are needed to help us see that even in the gift of marriage, God is what fulfills our needs. We are not fully satisfied in our spouses, but in Christ alone. The single are needed to encourage the church that Jesus is better and worth more than what is withheld from us. 

We must be cautious not to put the emphasis of holiness on whether we’re married or single, but strive for that which Christ imparts on us that we can never lose: we are his beloved children, all else falls below that. As the martyr Jim Elliot once famously penned, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”