EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS, I WILL SERVE

By Andrea Guachalla

I used to write articles for Tasting The Ocean (almost) every single week since the project started one and a half years ago. For this year I had a whole list of two dozen articles that we were supposed to publish but never came out, (I’ll get to them soon I hope). 

Life has been crazy, that has been one of the reasons not all of the content planned for this year came out. But I would lie if I said that the main reason was lack of time. It was not.

As I reflect on these past months I noticed that I’ve only been able to write two articles that weren’t even planned to be published, and the only reason I was able to write them was that they elaborated exactly on the questions I had been asking God: How am I better of than if I had sinned? God, will you forget me forever?

I had plenty of time to write the articles on the long list, but I just couldn’t write anymore. Yes. I, whose favorite way of self-expression, reflection, and processing ideas and feelings is drawing words in paper, couldn’t write. I felt hypocritical and ridiculous trying to write about things like contentment and forgiveness while struggling with discontentment, resentment, and faithlessness.

You might find that, like me, sometimes you don’t have the strength to do the very things you love or have committed to do, you have no strength to write or work, or serve, or go to church, or even to pray. And that could come about for so many reasons: family issues, realizing how deeply ingrained in sin the world is, unfulfilled longings, seemingly unanswered prayers, being unemployed, the loss of a family member, etc. 

I’ve struggled with some of these things these past months. Broken relationships, realizing how far the world is willing to go to celebrate sin and death, being unable to celebrate others for getting the very things I so desire, having my dreams and hopes completely shattered to an extent I cannot even begin to explain, and wondering why God would refuse to answer my prayers if the things I ask for are God-honoring… At least in my humble, sinful opinion. So I’ve lacked strength. Even to do basic things like writing or praying. And I’m sure many of you have lacked strength too. Perhaps, like me, you have been unable to fully understand what God’s plan for your life is, and what your role is in the cultural battle that is unleashed every day in the world, especially when everything seems to be going the wrong way, or not at all how you planned.

There are so many things I don’t understand, especially about God’s character and how His sovereignty relates to man’s responsibility. I don’t understand why God allows evil things to happen like the current abuse of power of the tyrannical Bolivian government, or why he would allow babies to be killed in their mothers’ wombs in the name of “reproductive health”, or why he would answer some prayers, and refrain from answering others. Why would He be so patient with those who kill, those who persecute, and those who blaspheme His name when he could get rid of them to stop their sinfulness from affecting others?

God is gracious and just. Trials are a blessing. Humans are wicked. I know all of that in theory, and yet I still don’t understand all of it with my heart and soul, or maybe I refuse to do so.

So in my weakness, and lack of faith, and lack of strength, and while I seek to understand God’s sovereignty and man’s sinfulness, and how that results in what’s going on around the world, I try to serve… If my service is pleasing to God or not, I cannot know for sure, though I hope it is. All I know is that it’s infinitely better to serve a holy God who I cannot fully understand in my sinfulness than to depart from Him and get lost in my sinful desires. It is infinitely better to be in communion with His church than to isolate completely and get lost in vain reasonings.

And that’s my message to you, brothers and sisters that are struggling with something. Wherever you are, whatever the circumstances you are in, no matter how unfulfilled the longings of your heart are, or how many prayers you feel have remained unanswered: serve God. That is a privilege unbelievers do not have. Even if you don’t understand why things come about the way they do, you can still trust the holy will of God and rest in Christ, your savior, you can still love and be loved by His children, and you can even love those who do you wrong. Isn’t that enough to be forever grateful? It must be.