WHAT IS A TRUE WOMAN?

By Andrea Guachalla

A few weeks ago my family and I had people visiting for lunch time. Inviting people over is something we do every week, so there was nothing new there. What was new was how I felt while spending time with the couple of moms who came over. One of them is nearly my age and recently had her first born, and the other has several children. 

Normally I would just chat and have a good time during these visits. And I did that to a certain extent. But to my surprise a thought crossed my mind and stayed there for the rest of the day: “I am not a real woman”. It didn’t take long for me to track down why I was thinking that. These other women, the ones I was chatting with, THEY were true women. Why? Because they had husbands and children. Unlike me.

The long, long waiting season

When I was very young, before I ever became a Christian, marriage and having a family never crossed my mind. And not only that, I actually despised the idea of having to be a wife and a mother, because… You know… the patriarchy. Little did I know, God would change that mentality completely as soon as I became a Christian, and I would then spend 7 (long) years of my life desiring to have a family and never having that desire fulfilled.

Oh! how many things have people told me throughout these years! I’ve gone all the way from people telling me I’m beautiful and will surely marry a good man, to people telling me God will surely fulfill my desire for marriage for being a good Christian. I’ve gone from idolizing marriage, to being indifferent towards it given the long waiting season I entered. I spent hours upon hours reading books about marriage, listening to sermons about marriage, reading countless articles about relationships, and I probably listened to more podcasts about raising children than I should have.

I prepared for it, prayed over it, followed every single piece of advice I heard from anyone anywhere… And yet, here I am 7 years after, and all I can account for is a failed relationship from my early years as a Christian, and having come to a more realistic view of what marriage actually is.

Marriage is no paradise

Precisely because I have no children I’ve had plenty of time to talk to husbands and wives about what marriage is like. Apparently, despite the view I had as a new Christian in my early twenties, marriage is not a walk in the park. Yes, most people say it’s nice and good to be married, but, if you ask, every single couple will also tell you about how hard it can be to put others’ well being before yours, and how they have survived for the past ten years with little to no sleep. With marriage comes big responsibilities towards a spouse and children, and that can get hard.

If living with one’s parents and siblings often comes with heated discussions about stuff, I cannot imagine what it’s like to have a heated discussion with one’s spouse, or having to deal with sickness, etc, etc.

All that to say: having a more realistic view of what marriage is like and the problems that can arise while raising children and seeking to prioritize one’s spouse has had two effects on me: first, I no longer idolize marriage, I know it will not solve any of my problems, and it might likely add to them. Second, I’ve come to realize it’s foolish to rush into relationships or the possibility of marriage just because one is not content in their singleness.

And I think having come to those conclusions gives me a better space to grow and learn. But neither the fact I no longer idolize marriage nor am I rushing to it has taken my desire away. And that is something good, I believe. It is good to want to be married as long as it doesn’t take your joy away.

But that leads me to this question: now what? What do I do with this unfulfilled longing? I’m tired of being single, and the desire for marriage doesn’t go away, how do I survive this season? I know many of my single friends have asked one or all of these questions before, and I believe I’ve come to the right answer:

Be grateful

I know, I know, it’s easier said than done, but the truth is that the cure to discontentment is to be grateful.

I, personally, would love to steward the time, gifts and resources God has given me in the context of caring for my own husband and children. But the truth is that God, in His goodness, saw more fit to give me this long season of singleness that I never desired. And in His grace, and despite my ungratefulness, he has given me other people to care for: my mother, my siblings, nephews and friends. And he has given me the right circumstances to grow in different ways.

He has not left me alone and forgotten, he has given me a purpose that goes beyond my marital status and beyond any circumstance.

So… Am I a true woman then?

A woman is not defined by either her marital status nor the amount of children she has, but by what God has made her to be. By design God has made women homemakers and helpers, He has called us to be nurturers and hospitable, He has designed us to seek beauty and pay attention to details in a way men can’t. And we can do and be all of this in any context and circumstance we encounter ourselves in. 

So the easy answer to the question is: yes! Even if you are unmarried and have no children, you are still a woman. The thing is that the question for many of us doesn’t stop on whether we are real women or not, but goes on to: what is my worth as a single woman? 

To this I would like to respond: it is good to desire marriage and a family, but we must remember that our worth is not on having a husband and children or not. Our worth as women is also not based on things we can achieve, or things we can gain, but on Christ. Through Him, the Son of God, is that we have value. Through Him we are reconciled with the Father. Through His living sacrifice we are given a new heart and a new purpose that goes beyond our circumstances, our unfulfilled longings, and our human plans: to serve a Holy God.