By Theron St. John
Older married couples tend to attest and television shows seem to show the well-worn saying “opposites attract” has an element of truth in dating and marriage relationships. I have noticed how often, but not always, someone with an outgoing personality dates and marries someone with a rather reserved personality. My marriage reflects this reality in some way. My wife and I have different personalities, and we do not always see eye-to-eye. In those moments of difference, our stance is not focused on the saying “opposites attract”; our stance is on whether we are obeying what Scripture says on how to communicate, and how to deal with conflict in daily life.
Here are some of the things I have learned in these past years of marriage that will hopefully shed some light on your role as a man who desires to marry one day, and perhaps it will be relatable and useful to some married men too.
Men and Women Are Different
The testimony of Scripture affirms men and women are equally image-bearers of God (see Genesis 1:26-31). Both men and women have dignity and value by divine design. Yet, in God’s good design, He chose to make men and women different too. These differences go much deeper than personality, and they emphasize God’s purpose. Men and women were created to complement (see Genesis 2:18-25). God gave the first man, Adam, the command and duty to lead and for the first woman, Eve, to help him. However, it is not only in Genesis 2 we see God’s divine design for men and women. Based on the same creational intent, 1 Peter 3:7 remarks, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
How We Handle Our Differences
1 Peter 3:7 highlights the truth men and women are different, but it exposes how we can poorly handle the idea of “opposites attract”. The differences that may have attracted us to complement one another begin to agitate us because the other just doesn’t get it like we do. While this can be true for both boyfriends and girlfriends or husbands and wives, men must take the lead in how to better handle our differences. This word is not only for married men, though. It is not as if men who are dating and married can automatically say they are ready to live and walk with their woman in an understanding way. Dear single Christian brothers, please understand though the command in Scripture is given to husbands, you can be preparing your mind and heart right now on how you will respond to your future girlfriend or wife when you are presented with your differences. Prepare your heart now to be understanding with your future wife by practicing understanding with the current and closest women in your life, especially your mothers and sisters.
Get Her Even When You Don’t “Get It!”
Many memes find their way on social media that make the point men have difficulty understanding women. These images show men as clueless and helpless in what women say and how women feel. While these posts may get laughs, it leaves the impression men will never understand women so that might as well not try. Such may be a popular response, but it is not the proper response.
Brothers, we are called to live with our women in an understanding way. We may not fully understand what women think or how they feel, but we must be willing to live with them in an understanding way. What does that mean? It means that you get her even when you don’t “get it”. Let me explain. Within two years of marriage, I have on more than occasion hurt my wife with my words. Some of those times I was aware of how I sinned. Other times I did not know until she shared with me how my inconsiderate and unthoughtful words impacted her heart. As she shared, I had two ways I could respond. The first possible response is I could have told her she was making a big deal out of something minor or that she was being too sensitive. The second possible response is I could have asked her further questions to seek to understand why what I said was a big deal to her or how I did not consider her feelings or interests in the moment. If I gave the first possible response, I would be in sin. Why? Because I would be failing to live with my wife in an understanding way. Even when I don’t fully comprehend when I hurt my wife, I ask for forgiveness because I have failed to live out Philippians 2:3-4 before her, not considering her interests before my own. When she is emotionally hurt, I need to be a help and listen.
Dear single brothers, whether you are dating right now or waiting for the Lord to provide a woman, find encouragement in that you are not expected to know everything about women. Realize you will not always understand why women say what they say or how they may feel about certain things. But as you learn to care for the heart of women such as your mother or sisters, you will learn how to best care for your future wife’s heart. You will not have all the answers about her, but you will be able to know how to care for her and how to consider her interests above your own. In other words, you may not always “get it”, but you should always seek to get her and her heart.
At the end of the day, living in an understanding way with the woman God has or will give you is not merely about your dating or marriage relationship. It is about your relationship with the Lord. 1 Peter 3:7 closes with the exhortation to live in an understanding way “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Brothers, if you or I ignore the command to live with our women in an understanding way, our relationship with the Lord is impacted. Our prayers are hindered. If you want to honor God and grow in your relationship with the Lord as you pursue and maintain a dating and marriage relationship, then learn how to be understanding.
Thank you for this excellent post, Theron! Well said! Even if a man doesn’t automatically understand a woman, women will so appreciate it when a man listens, tries to understand, and expresses his support and care for the women in his life.