By Andrea Guachalla
A few months ago I was talking to a sister from church about the possibility of continuing my postgrad studies since the possibility of actually having a family seemed not even remotely plausible for me. I had been single forever, and there were no prospects around. As I explained to her that I did long for marriage and having a family, but I thought it was about time for me to accept that was not God’s plan for me I was saddened.
I had spent so many years praying about it, reading books about marriage, educating myself about what it is to be a wife, and a mother, and observing married women to learn what marriage and motherhood are like… I had spent so much of my time rearranging my life, work and projects so they would be fitting for the life of a homemaker and invested so much of my resources on things I could later offer to my future family… And all for what?
Years of waiting.
At my lowest point I came to regret that I had invested myself so much in something that God seemed not to have planned for me. And that’s exactly what I told the sister I was talking to. “What was it worth to invest so much of my time learning, and preparing for marriage? Why did I do it?”
After hearing me she said the best two things she could have said: 1) Don’t ever regret that you prepared for marriage. 2) Whatever you do, do it for the Lord, not expecting he will fulfill your longings. Now, months later, I acknowledge that she couldn’t have been more right. I’m still unmarried, though in a relationship, but even just being in one made me realize that none of what I did was in vain.
A few weeks ago, I wrote an article about the things a single woman shouldn’t do. In this article let me share a few things that I think you should definitely do if you wish to prepare for marriage! You will find that many of these things not only prepare you for marriage, but also for having good relationships with those around you, especially your family.
1. Pray
Present every single one of your longings to the Lord in prayer. This applies to every area of life, but for us, single women who long for marriage, it’s especially needful to keep our feelings captive and present our longings to the Lord.
As you seek to prepare for marriage it’s easy to start idolizing marriage and seeing it as the end goal of life, whereas in reality giving glory to God is our highest calling. Therefore: pray as you long and prepare for marriage. Ask God to help you understand the institution of marriage biblically, to have the right motivation to prepare for it and to help you trust his timing.
2. Educate yourself
What you do is shaped by what you believe. And you cannot believe something about anything if you don’t spend time getting to know the thing.
Let me explain.
When you get into a relationship and eventually marriage you will have to face many new situations that will require a response from you. The way you decide to respond will stem from what you learned and believe about the things you’re facing. And you cannot face challenges biblically if you don’t first learn what the bible teaches about the situations and circumstances you will encounter yourself in when you enter a relationship and marriage.
Therefore, educate yourself.
Learn what the bible teaches about marriage, motherhood and even courtship. Read books, listen to podcasts and sermons, look for interviews, ask questions to mature people around you. There are so many resources out there that can help you be more informed on the biblical grounds for marriage, sexuality, motherhood, gender roles, administration, homemaking, housekeeping, and so many other areas that are related directly and indirectly.
Spend time getting the knowledge that you need to have a better understanding of marriage and what comes before, courtship. If you approach the topic seeking to honor God, more knowledge won’t harm you, whereas ignorance can have devastating effects. No good practices can come from complete ignorance.
3. Spend time with married couples
Ok, so… Let’s say you listened to me and spent a lot of time learning the theory of marriage. If you’re a normal person what will happen is that you will love the mere idea of marrying because God created marriage. And he instituted it to reflect the Gospel, the love between the father and the son, and the love of Christ for the church.
If you longed for marriage before, you will long for it even more. And if that longing is not put in check you might be tempted to rush into any relationship and make all sorts of mistakes. Believe me, I’ve been there.
So what you will do next is: spend time with married couples.
Take some time out of your weekly schedule to visit moms from church, or to have lunch with families and play with their kids. Choose couples that have been recently married, couples that have been married over 5 years and couples that have been together for decades. Ask them questions about anything you want to know. You’ll soon realize that many of them are very willing to share their stories, struggles included.
That, dear sister, will give you a realistic glance of what marriage is actually like and will put your feet on the ground again. Marriage is beautiful as God created it to be, but it’s not a walk in the park. Added to the fact that so much the husband as the wife are sinners and will have conflicts to solve, married life comes with big responsibilities and trials. Sickness, death, financial issues, and many things outside of man’s control are some of the things they face along with the responsibility of caring for children and a home. We must realize that before we go ahead and try to rush into marriage thinking it will fix our problems.
Marriage will certainly give us greater challenges than the ones we ever faced as single people, so we do good when we learn from married couples how they navigated challenges and took on big responsibilities while fully depending on God’s grace and wisdom. Talking to married couples should lead us to keep preparing for marriage intentionally rather than to rush into it.
4. Learn to be and EXCELLENT WOMAN
When us women are single, we can tend to be something like the Disney princesses. We dream about true love, and a blue prince riding a horse who will be everything he should be as a man: a brave leader, a rich provider, a courageous protector, and handsome beyond belief. Although, let’s face it, most of us are not that handsome as to require the latter anyway.
Whether you can relate to that or not, the thing is that many of us know exactly what we are looking for, because we’ve learned that a man should at least be able to lead, protect, and provide if he wills to pursue a woman in all seriousness. It is good to know that as women. However… Do we care as much for developing the character of a woman who would be a good helper to that kind of man?
We often are oblivious to our character flaws and are overcritical of men. Even those who are close to fulfill those basic characteristics.
As you approach a season of courtship and marriage, try focusing on developing an excellent woman’s character rather than just waiting for a perfect man to magically appear.
By God you were called to be a homemaker, a helper, a nurturer, a good administrator, and a caregiver. You can be all those things in your current circumstances and be a blessing to your parents, siblings, friends and those in need. You can pray that God will give you opportunities to develop the character of a woman who fears the Lord and seeks to honor Him in fulfilling your God-given roles.
It is good to be informed on what we should look for in a man as women who long for marriage. But it is better to know what our roles as women are and strive to be excellent in what God has called us to, regardless of whether God provides us with a husband in the near or distant future, or not at all.
5. Steward your money wisely
Lastly, be wise on how you steward your earnings as a single lady, because it is very easy to be wasteful when you don’t have other people depending on you financially.
Now, before I go ahead and elaborate on this point let me say this: I know it is men who are called to provide for the family unit. However, as you await that season of life where a man will be the main provider, you are currently probably studying and working. And the money that you currently earn can be invested in things that might be useful for a future family or just have you in a better place to start a family.
Stewarding your money wisely might look like saving as much as you can for future needs, investing in real estate, home appliances, or furniture. Or it might look simply like getting debt-free responsibly as soon as you can.
Whatever might be the stage you’re in regarding your finances, be wise on how you spend. Do it with an eye on what might be more helpful for a future family if the Lord decides to bless you with one. It is a win-win situation even if the Lord decides to give you a longer period of singleness than you expect.
Conclusion
A few days ago my sister in law told me something that I had never thought of before: You need to prepare for the upcoming stages of life as you would for an exam. You don’t wanna go to an exam, and just sit there trying to guess what the responses are without having prepared for it beforehand and having asked as many questions as you could to people who have more knowledge and experience. That brings suffering and struggles that could be avoided.
I had never seen it that way before but SHE IS SO RIGHT! I might even write a whole article about it later on.
Though she was telling me that in the context of preparing for being a first-time mother, I equate that to be applicable in preparing for courtship and marriage too: the more knowledge you have, the better.
With that I don’t mean that having a lot of knowledge will prevent you from making mistakes altogether, I am sure that once you enter the phase of courtship or marriage you will still feel a bit lost. However, it will help you so much to have a good biblical ground, and to have read and analyzed different scenarios and situations beforehand so that you can make the wisest decisions when facing the upcoming situations, responsibilities, conflicts, and difficulties.
May the Lord guide you, sister! Be encouraged! Trust in God’s timing as you wait, and meanwhile: fear Him, serve Him, and love Him. Everything you do, do it for His glory.
